Each morning I wake up and say to myself, "I'm glad I never have to step foot inside that stupid, Pringle-shaped stadium ever again."
Yes, it's true; I'm done with the Calgary Flames. I had a decent two seasons there and made it to the playoffs for the first time in my career, but naming me the backup literally two games before the playoffs started was completely uncalled for. Did I mail it in near the end of the season? Hell yeah I did, but I was just about to play my best hockey. I come alive when everything is on the line. I live by the saying 'procrastination is domination.' We, hold on, I dominated the Pacific and we were firmly in the driver's seat and controlling our own destiny. The stakes were too low and I couldn't find a reason to get myself fired up over a game against Buffalo in late April. Also, I was conserving energy. Anybody with the most basic understanding of science would understand.
Anyway, you know how the story goes. They decided to have me warm the bench and got dusted by the 8th seed San Jose Sharks in the first round. A division rival. They left a raging bull on the bench and look where it got them. Another year a Canadian team won't take home the Stanley Cup. How many years has it been now, a hundred? Feels like it.
Whatever. I did the best that I could. I carried the squad all the way to a playoff berth just for them to leave me in the dumpster on the way to San Jose. No seriously, they dropped me off at the Carl's Jr. in Los Banos for trying to fight Coach. But Karma came for them because before I could even finish my Western Bacon they were knocked out of the postseason and I was looking forward to greener pastures.
In my past contract negotiations, the offers coming to the table never excited me because I felt like I was looked at like a small piece of the pie by previous general managers. That all changed when I looked upon what I believe to be the best option I have ever seen in my career. No other competitive goalies in the system, a whopping $1.25 million dollar contract, and a year to prove myself to be the face of the franchise. Yee-haw.
Howdy, y'all. I reckon i'll be boot scootin' my way into a Stanley Cup championship pretty soon. Now the real question is whether to put my Vezinas and Harts over there next to the gun rack or over yonder next to the Elk head hangin' on the wall. I suppose it really don't matter much so long as I got 'em.
Now we all know everything is bigger in Texas, and so are the stakes. My career hasn't panned out the way I thought it would and this could be my last chance, so over the off-season i'm adopting a new training regimen to push myself to the level I know I can play at. Rather than doing normal workouts and hiring expensive skills coaches, I decided to integrate Texan workout ideologies to my training to help keep me focused and motivated.
I start by helping an old dairy farmer deliver a baby calf and then immediately begin bench-pressing the rascal until I reach failure. After five sets of that, I tinker with my Chevy Silverado by taking it apart and trying to put it back together to help with my critical thinking and problem solving skills. Truck hasn't started in weeks. Then I Uber over to the local honky-tonk and spend about three hours line dancing to work out my legs and add to my cross-crease explosiveness. If I feel like adding in some resistance training, I'll pop into a pair of brand new, stiff as a board 29x30 Wranglers. To work on my glove hand, I go to a cowboys game in an Eagles jersey and try to catch the beer being thrown at me. For cardio, I try to outrun my trainer following me in his truck blasting the horror that is Luke Bryan.
To finish off the day, I head on down to the local 76 gas station and chirp anybody who pulls in with a Dodge. That's not part of the workout I just like doing it.
New team, new workout routine and new beginnings. I feel rejuvenated and can't wait to get started in Dallas. The locker room has treated me well so far. The only one I haven't spoken to a whole lot is Tyler Seguin because he spends most of his free time looking at himself in the mirror and typing out Instagram captions. but i'm sure we will get along fine.
To keep updated with my progress, check me out on Twitch at https://www.twitch.tv/wahvalanche
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