Netflix would never admit it, but they're living for this quarantine. Traffic has shifted from the 405 during lunch hour to The Office portal on the Netflix app. People have nothing to do at home but sit around and binge hours upon hours of their favorite series, movies and TV books, aka documentaries.
But I can only watch Michael Scott throw a watermelon off of a two story building and drop 'that's what she said' jokes for so long. I had to branch out before I went insane. And what better way to branch out than to watch what everybody is talking about and join the conversation? So, I took a peek at the most popular thing on Netflix at the time and dove deep into a world that I never expected to enjoy so much: Love Is Blind.
I know, I know. You might look upon me shamefully. But this show packs a Kevin Bieksa Superman punch to the nose. Love Is Blind has it all, boys and girls.
There's jealousy, rage, bad weaves, signs of the early stages of alcoholism, wipe-outs in wedding dresses, deadly age differences, horrible sex, lost butterflies, F-bombs and last but certainly not least a brawl by the pool in Mexico ridden with Beyonce lyrics. What more could you want?
Many have already experienced the masterpiece that is Love Is Blind, but for those who haven't, here's how it works: Men and women are placed in separate pods and go on dates without being able to see who they're talking to. The contestants are not allowed to see who is behind the wall until they get engaged. After getting engaged, the big reveal takes place and contestants finally see who they've fallen in love with in the pods. After engagement, the couples are flown out to Mexico for a week-long vacation to get to know each other better and meet the other couples. After Mexico, the couples are placed in real life situations as they are shoved into an apartment complex together and meet their families before preparing for the final and most exhilarating test: The wedding. At the wedding, the couples decide if love is truly blind and make their decision to say 'I do' or 'I don't' in front of all of their friends and families.
After watching it through for the second time, I've discovered the world of Love Is Blind and the NHL aren't so different. In fact, I think hockey is just colder reality television. Both have their own versions of drama. Pulling the goalie and watching Amber threaten to break Jessica's face felt pretty similar to me. Not to mention each character from the show has certain characteristics that remind me of some of the NHL's most infamous and popular players. So, I decided to go through and show you who fits where on an NHL roster. While doing research, I asked around and heard a lot of opinions so feel free to comment below on where you think the characters fit and why. If you haven't watched yet, check it out before reading because this blog is full of spoilers. Alright, Here we go, Love Is Blind: NHL Edition.
BARNETT: Pure Goal-scorer
Comparable: Alex Ovechkin
What has made the Great 8 so special to watch over the years is his ability to score in multiple different ways from just about anywhere and make it look easy. Matthew Barnett carried that same scoring energy into Love Is Blind, slicing and dicing his way into the hearts and minds of the ladies by shape-shifting his charm into what they most desired.
To put it simply, he shoots, he scores.
The dude was LETHAL in the pods. You thought an Ovi one-timer at the top of the left circle on the power-play was automatic? You must not have seen Barnett's fake proposal to Jessica that sent her into endless drunken spiral for 10 episodes. Barnett's masterful use of dad jokes and bad sexual puns is something we may never see replicated ever again. He had three women lining up for him and had half an episode dedicated to his final decision. LeBron James couldn't top that. The guy was pullin' tail wearing stuff like this...
He makes it look easy and that's more than just talent, that's a God-given gift. Guys like Barnett who can score at will are rare and need to be appreciated.
All this might lead you to believe Barnett is just another player. But as the show went on, we discovered Barnett was more than just a scorer, he's was also loyal. Once he made his decision, he stuck with it, even with Jessica waiting at his doorstep 24/7. Loyalty is something Alex Ovechkin knows all about. Things haven't always been pretty for the Washington Capitals, and Ovi had plenty of opportunities to hit the market, but he stuck with it and reached his ultimate goal with the team that drafted him. Barnett faced similar challenges with Amber. His family voiced their doubts about her, and I personally would have ran a 4.20 forty yard dash out the front door after hearing her talk about being $20,000 in debt, but he warmed up his cold feet and stuck with it.
Barnett is still out there wearing weird clothes and kickin' it with Amber. The legend may be locked down, but we will never forget the reign of Pod Barnett.
Cameron: Backup goalie
Comparable: Anton Khudobin
Having a solid backup in the NHL these days is a must. With starters taking a lot more games off to stay rested for deep playoff runs, you need a guy who can come in and give you a chance to win some games, especially on back-to-backs. The lack of a serviceable backup can take a major toll on a team's (lol Leafs) success. Look at a guy like Anton Khudobin, who has given himself a job and made a lot of money being reliable, consistent backup who can occasionally steal a game for you.
Cameron is the embodiment of what a good backup should be. He's not a guy who desires the spotlight or gets discouraged sitting in the passenger seat. He understands that Lauren runs the show and he's seems okay with tagging along rather than leading the way. But when called upon to take the lead, Cameron is decisive and doesn't beat around the bush. Hell, the guy got down on his knee in the first episode of the season. He knew he had something with Lauren and he wasn't going to waste any time locking her down. He also never questioned his decision to say 'I do' when it came to the wedding.
A backup goalie is still a goalie and as well all know, goalies are a weird bunch. Cameron is far from an exception and caught the world off guard when he started spitting flames to Lauren's mom within five minutes of meeting her. Over the years, I've done plenty of cringe-worthy things that allow me to comfortably withstand an awkward moment, but when he started rapping I couldn't help but fling myself into the nearest closet and duck from the ruthless bars. But after i got over my initial shock, i took a good listen and it wasn't terrible. He even got a chance to spit with Sway.
I have to respect a sophisticated scientist like Cameron coming to the mic correct on his first meeting with his future in-laws. Cameron is also oddly buff. He said he works in artificial intelligence but i wonder if that means he just wrestles robots all day for the gainz.
Cameron is an oddly buff scientist with a heart of gold and good intentions. That doesn't mean that he doesn't give off a slightly weird vibe. But that's not a bad thing. If I was coming off the ice with my head down after a minus, I would be more than happy to have a backup like Cameron greet me by opening up the gate, handing me a water bottle and giving me a good ole pat on the back. He doesn't have the gusto to be a starter between the pipes, but he could come in and surprise some people every few games.
Jessica: The universally hated player
Comparable: Brad Marchand
I don't even know where to start here, so I'll just start with this: Jessica straight up sucks. She was the worst character from start to finish. She's a lot like the LA Kings because she hates being with anybody under the age of 34. Let's think here, a universally hated person who pulls a lot of shady stunts and wants to lick people who they're not allowed to lick... Remind you of anyone? Of course it does, #63 from the Bruins.
That's all for the comparison between the two. The only characteristic they share is that everyone hates them.
We all have our own reasons, and there are plenty, for loathing Brad Marchand, and the same logic applies for Messica. It could be the fact that she engaged Marc after literally breaking up with him the day before for another dude. Or maybe it was the amount of times she mentioned the 10 year age difference with Marc, despite nobody else in the outside world seeming to care at all. Another banger was when she drunkenly told Marc she thought Barnett was sexy and didn't bother trying to fix the situation but rather blamed it on the others giving her whiskey. Personally, I found it disturbing how easy it was for her to discuss her problems in her relationship to Barnett. It's just a trashy thing to do. Also, she said when she blows up the bathroom it's like Mount Vesuvius erupting so doo doo with that what you will. Whatever your reason is, there's a reason. Jessica was relentless and tiring every single episode, having some sort of drunken argument with someone or pouncing at Barnett like a starved jungle cat. By the last episode, it took all my energy to not skip her wedding scene and having to hear her talk about age for the 34th time.
Despite my frustration with Jessica, I have to give her credit where it's due. In the final episode, she opened up about her embarrassing moments and apologized to Amber, Barnett and Marc for the hell she put them all through. At the end of the day, Jessica had valid concerns about the relationship but just went about it in a very annoying and frustrating way. She seemed sincere in her apology and I'm sure we've all gone through a time in our life where we were a bit of a Messica, so i'll cut her some slack.
Giannina: Trash-talking 4th Liner
Comparable: Steve Ott
Chirping is the game within the game of hockey and its very important. Trash Talking the opponent seems like an easy task but the art of chirping isn't easily mastered and only a select few can do it effectively.
A guy like Steve Ott, with his colorful language and top notch insults, is a special type of guy that you'd want on your side but would feel a little self-conscious if you had to play against him. Giannina Milady is cut from the same cloth. She's a scrappy, foul-mouthed beauty who enjoys picking fights whenever she gets an opportunity. GG has a very sweet and loving personality most of the time, but when she gets into the mood for a scrap, there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Not only does Giannina love to fight, but she's cutthroat. While others might delicately dance around the subject, she comes without warning and tells you you're bad at sex. All poor Damian was trying to do was check his Insta feed and all of a sudden he's getting grilled like Tyson Barrie in Toronto. She doesn't care who's around to witness the death-match, she only cares about the win, and I respect the hell out of that. GG and I argue the same way, which is continuing to not be wrong even when we are most certainly wrong. I also respect her checking her phone during a serious conversation, especially after getting mad at Damian for using his phone earlier that day. Even when GG was on her heels after getting demolished at the altar, she still had enough power to pull up a few chairs and start another war of words.
Let's also not forget she has serious athletic endurance after Usain Bolting from the church in heels and wedding dress, managing only one fall. The anxiety I felt watching her run and anticipating the fall was the closet thing to sports I'd felt since early March.
Giannina has her problems with anger and picking little fights here and there but I appreciate the fact that she gets it all out in the open. There's no secret as to what she's feeling and a lot of people would consider that a good quality, unless of course shes dropping a MF-bomb on you, then it's probably not as fun as you'd hoped.
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