After going on and living life without hockey for almost a week, I've discovered that it's similar to the various stages of getting drunk by yourself.
Many might ask, "Wyatt, why would you ever get drunk by yourself?" Here's the thing: I never try to, it just kind of happens. You see, my body, aside from it being 120 pounds of sheer muscle mass, is a little indecisive when i drink. Sometimes i can have three beers and feel totally fine. But other times, i get a slight whiff of a Coors Light and i start slurring my words and texting my exes. When you're the delicate lightweight drinker that i am, things can change on you in a hurry. Those lightweights out there know what I'm talking about. One extra brew can change everything and all of a sudden you're stuck sleeping in your car using the floor-mats as blankets. Anyway, let me get back to my original point (See first sentence).
Stage 1:
Every drunken night starts with one; and many times that one is where we usually intend on stopping. You come home after a long day just looking to take the edge off before productively using the rest of the night. It loosens you up just enough to where you feel comfortable and ready to unload from the stresses that are ahead. This was how i felt when the news first broke that the NHL could potentially suspend their season. I was worried but in no rush to jump to conclusions. After all, the only league that had stopped their season at this point was the NBA, and they're all giant wusses anyway; i expected as much. Even after the regular season suspension was announced, i figured it was just a PR move to make the NHL look progressive and, if anything, just a formality. I wasn't phased. I had my legs up on the coffee table, body reclined and bottle tilted back.
Stage 2:
There comes a point in every solo drinking mission where you realize you had too much and are stuck wherever you are. A very brief, one-word internal monologue usually follows that goes something like this: "F***." This was the realization i came to when i slowly discovered no hockey could be the norm for awhile. All sports were cancelled, school was cancelled and workplaces were shutting down. This was starting to get ugly. The same can be said for when you reach this stage in the drinking process. When you're alone, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Even so, stage two is probably the most enjoyable. You find enjoyment in anything. You may be in the same ole bar accompanied by typical alcohol-themed wall art and a boar's head with a Green Bay Packer's cheese head on it (maybe that's just the bar i go to), but it's all interesting again. You're, as the kids say, vibin'. This is where i was at during the first few days of quarantine. I was enjoying everything that i normally do while procrastinating without the conviction of actually procrastinating. Some of my greatest hits included Taking a nap at 11 a.m., playing four straight hours of video games, and eating entire sleeves of Oreo's. I felt great and despite missing hockey, I figured this quarantine business wasn't too bad. But then things started to change...
Stage 3:
This is the stage where all hell breaks loose. Things aren't just messy anymore, its a full-blown pig sty. You end up passed out on the floor whether its from too much alcohol or boredom; Both lethal substances in large quantities. You realize being locked up all day without the pleasure of ANY HOCKEY is actually a sentence worse than death. You can only sit on a bar stool for so long, just like you can only watch so many Office re-runs, only eat so much junk food and play the only four video games you have for so long before your mind goes into a blender. It makes it even worse getting more news each day that the 2020 NHL season may never come back. During your lonely drunken endeavor, this is the stage where you start resorting to things you never thought you would do. You start calling random people in you phone that you may not have spoken to in 3+ years to give you a ride home, or maybe start a political conversation with the dude across the bar. Both of those usually if not always end badly. Same happens when you're locked down with no puck on TV. Last night i literally drove the Kingsburg and back for no reason; just because.
I'm a lost soul, just as i assume all of us are. But I've come up with a list of things we can try and do to curb our boredom during this trying time.
-Read that book that you've been putting off
-Start a workout routine
-Learn how to meal prep
(okay now that the losers are gone doing those horrific things, here's the real list)
-Watch old NHL games with some of the superstars you might not have been able to see at the time. Hockey has a rich history of incredible talent but some never got to see the same amount of screen time that players see now. Reevaluate those who-is-better-than -who discussions or just go back and watch classic playoff games. There's are dozens of full game videos on Youtube where you can reminisce all over again.
-Start trying some ridiculous trick shots around the house. The best ones I've seen usually involve getting a ping pong ball in a red solo cup but in much more elaborate way than we are used too. This is where busing out the hockey sticks around the house can be fun. Try making a track using various household items. If you live in a two-story house, even better. A really thoughtful and tricky shot can take up hours of time and can be both fun and creative.
-Make a Franchise on NHL20 with the Detroit Red Wings and see how long it takes to make them relevant again. (that was mean I'm sorry)
LAST DITCH EFFORT
-If you have ABSOLUTELY nothing else to do. Download Tik-Tok. It's a little weird at first but 30 minutes in and you'll start to pick up on the trends. Try them out for yourself and see if you can master the insane dances that these people come up with. Or just use it to make jokes about your wife, which is also a popular category.
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